ARE YOU OVER 18+?
YES, OVER 18+!

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Can't obtain crap within the state of.
Unfortunately, I am unable to have any useless matter during staying within the great state of. No junk to be found here, unfortunately.
Unfortunately,
I lack the capacity to obtain a single excrement inside the state of. No garbage available around here, unfortunately. Lack the ability to own nonsense within OH.
Sadly, I can't possess the capability to have a single crap whilst residing in Ohio. There is no crap available in these parts, regrettably. I am without even a trace of matter in Ohio.
Sadly, it is beyond my reach to obtain a single garbage while residing in Ohio. No junk available within Ohio, sadly. I lack the ability to have any shit within the beautiful state of Ohio.
Oh my, regrettably I am constrained to obtain any nonsense while staying inside the state of Ohio. No junk for me, sadly. I lack any of excrement in Ohio.
Oh, how regrettable it is that I don't have the ability to possess the slightest bit of waste during residing inside the state of Ohio. No junk to be found in Ohio, unfortunately. I have no means to own any waste in the great state of Ohio.
Oh, how regrettable it is that I am unable to possess any nonsense during staying in Ohio. No waste to be found here, alas. I lack the tiniest bit of feces within the great state of Ohio.

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